W006: Notes
The passing of my father and the thoughts that followed; privacy, time and the leisure class.
It’s been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened. What was initially intended as a three-week trip to my home country and London has now extended beyond a month due to the passing of my father. I contemplated not sharing this on my Substack, but then I reminded myself, it’s about ‘things that grabbed me’ and it goes without saying. This has grabbed me…
The passing of my father has made me think a lot about privilege. A word that’s been torn to threads over the past years. And although my list of privilege is long, the privilege of having two supporting and loving parents surely sits on the very top. My father was my role model and I truly believe that if it wasn’t for him I would not be where I am today — learning, growing and knowing I’m never done doing so.
The two days preceding his death highlighted the privileges of time and privacy, prompting me to reflect on the class indicators prevalent in our society and ultimately bringing me to the theory of The Leisure Class.
My father was a thinker. Had he still been here we would have no doubt debated these topics together. Today, I will be discussing them with you.
No more time…
My father had been sick since he was about 45. Over the years his illness slowly took his breath and a week from turning 70 his lungs had nothing left. He never smoked, never worked in circumstances that would affect his lungs. He was an active, healthy, sporty man that was dealt one devastating card. That of an incurable chronic lung illness that over the years increasingly consumed every corner of his — and my mothers — life. It was brutal.
Although he was given less time than any of us hope to get in our lives, the last days before his passing were what most people can only dream off. We had time to say goodbye. Once he was moved to the hospital I notified our family and his many many friends that I believed this to be his last days. 50 beautiful humans rushed to the hospital where they each got time for meaningful one on one’s. In between his body letting go, he would miraculously come back to connect, and be present.
Then at night we had time with just us. My mother, my brother, me and my dad talked, laughed, cried and said our last words. My father had a private room and we were given a spacious additional room with 4 beds where we had earlier received guests and could sleep during his last night. I laid with him till 4am in the morning, after that I finally moved to the other room to get some rest. 30 minutes later, he passed with my mother by his side.
Time & Privacy
My life and my business allow me, my husband and my son to step away (to a certain extend). First it was just me, being able to be fully present with my father during his passing. And after, my husband and son joined us to support my mother during this difficult transition. Time = privilege, I thought.
Every single day people lose loved once in the most horrific of circumstances. The atrocities we are currently seeing in Gaza, although certainly not the only example, were close to my mind as we enjoyed clean private hospital rooms (roomS!). With constant care and medication that managed his pain. Privacy = privilege, I thought.
It made me wonder, could these two factors serve as the ultimate indicators of the elite? The more time one has, the higher the class? The more privacy one has, the higher the class? Conversely, could the lack of these signify the opposite. I’m not saying this to position myself in any way, but I’m merely recognising that we were beyond fortunate in my Fathers final days and with my interest in the continued devision of the classes it brought these factors even further to my attention.
Time
Time is a luxury that is often reserved for the affluent. Naturally without financial resources, one's time is more limited. But although they are likely to be linked, the luxury of time goes far beyond finances. The more time we have the more deliberate we can be with our life and our choices. It enables us to reflect, deal with personal issues, work on our self, plan ahead, develop our talents, play, relax, workout to stay healthy and make informed decisions for our future.
I highly recommend reading the book Scarcity. My father gave it to me years ago and I still refer to I often. If you’re not a book reader THIS article gives a good run though.
This time allows us to be deliberate, strategic, and consider the long-term implications of our actions. On the other hand, a lack of time (for whatever reason) leads to a scarcity mindset. We become anxious, hasty in our judgments, prone to misinterpretation, and more likely to make mistakes. Our thinking becomes reactive, driven by emotions, and we focus on short-term immediate needs. Basically, the more time we have the more likely it is we rise higher up in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and… perhaps, it’s more likely the better our lives become. (Although that’s a nuanced debate I’ll jump into another time.)
Scarcity, defined as not having enough (be it time, money, food, security, or really any basic or even psychological need), causes people to “tunnel” or focus in on what they lack. We have limited bandwidth so our brains instead focus on what it perceives to be the most urgent or important. If one does not have money, time, food in the long-term it becomes all consuming, and one begins to focus purely on their immediate needs, while losing sight of the long term bigger picture.
Scarcity's impact is familiar to us all. In the short term, it explains why frazzled parents may be less patient with their children, or why individuals talking on the phone are more prone to accidents while driving. Yet, scarcity also serves an evolutionary purpose. It once compelled us to prioritise obtaining food above all else and today it boosts our energy and concentration as deadlines loom nearer. However, unlike those experiencing prolonged scarcity, individuals facing short-term scarcity may simply require a restful night's sleep. Once revitalised, they can realign with their long-term objectives and gain a broader perspective.
The Leisure Class
How time is linked to class is most obviously displayed in, leisure. Holiday’s, expensive trips, dinners even posting about going to the gym, food prepping or your morning meditation can be linked to class signalling. But where this has recently become most pronounced is the Trad Wives trend.
For those who haven’t read my content before and are unfamiliar with this phenomena, Trad Wives aim to mimic the traditional 50’s family unit, where men work and women stay home to take care of the children and the household. These women advocate for traditional gender roles. I will let one of the first viral Trad Wives, Estee, explain but I personally prefer this analysis. I’ve been fascinated about this shift and been anticipating it since Girl Boss culture.
TikTok and Instagram are filled with video’s of women baking meals from scratch while advocating for this lifestyle in their beautifully curated homes and aesthetically pleasing kitchens. Ironically, the most successful women in this field are undeniably savvy businesswomen who strategically harness the power of their platforms. Regardless their influence is undeniable... and quite frankly socially understandable.
But the visual of ‘Trad Wife’ portrayed on social media is nothing like a genuine representation of ‘house wife’ or ‘mother’. We do not see toilets being scrubbed, nappies being changed or them dealing with toddler tantrums. Instead their acts are aesthetic perfection and performative. As professor Neil says, “This isn’t real labour, this is symbolic labour. It is nothing more then social signalling that this women belongs to the leisure class”.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Privacy
Privacy, in my belief, serves as yet another emblem of social class, and can be observed through various lenses. Obviously the privacy I had with my father was a huge privilege, but it goes further than that. In todays world where we share every second of our day in the pursuit of relevance; privacy, in and of itself, could be seen as a mark of ones elitist state.
The Row made headlines when they told guests that phones would not be allowed during their recent show. This is a sharp contrast to the younger brands like Avavav who rely on virality to attain relevance.
Then there are (aspiring) influencers, slaves to the algorithm, who often increasingly show more of their lives to get attention (perhaps the peek of this is found on Onlyfans). In contrast, The Row’s Ashley Olson, recently had a baby and we hardly knew about it. Not because the world doesn’t care, but because the very private Olsons likely paid a pretty penny for it to remain private — and more importantly they had the luxury to choose to prioritise this.
To explain the significance of this choice, The Kardashians in contrast rely heavily on exposing their lives events to keep themselves top of mind. Divorces, cheating scandals, baby news - everything is used and all doors are open. Outside the obvious difference in personality’s and The Kardashians being reality starts, they potentially also simply can’t afford the luxury to be ‘private’. Needing all the publicity they can get to protect their relevance. A simple google search paints the picture.
I too am “required” to share. The more I share online the more engagement I get with potential clients and collaborators. On my private account I notice that when I post images of myself that my engagement goes up and when I don’t, it goes down. I recognise and feel that pressure and, am sad to say, I succumb to it. After all, I still need to play the game to push myself up.
Books to read on this topic
Scarcity - Sendhul Mullainathan & Elder Shafir
The Leisure Class - Thorstein Veblen
The Sum Of All Things - Elizabeth Currid-Halkett
I’m almost finished with The Leisure Class and read Scarcity and The Sum several years ago. I highly recommend them all but, as a tribute, why not start with the one my dad gave me, Scarcity.
That is all I have for today
If you have read my Substacks before you would know that aside from my thoughts on human behaviour I usually balance these with design, fashion, creativity and more… but for this week I will leave it here. Grateful for all who have subscribed recently, nice to have you here.
See you next time for a shorter and lighter piece.